I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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