Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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