How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
