my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
