It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
