I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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