I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
