i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
