my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
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I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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