I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
