areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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