I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
