is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
and she was petting her beer can
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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