im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
