Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize