She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
