i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
