god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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