The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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