ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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