he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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