Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
