Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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