4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
