the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.