I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.