My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.