oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Me. At least after what I've been through.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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