Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She's just so happy...and so naked.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
