your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
