Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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