I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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