woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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