I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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