I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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