i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
