my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
