now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
