you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
