Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
