Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
