Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
