I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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