I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
