You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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