I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
