its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
