Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
