That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
