tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
