she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
