my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
