my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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