Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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