I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
