i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
