we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
