Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
