final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
