if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
