dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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