help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish I only lived at night.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
