ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
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Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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